One of
Britain’s largest computer dating agencies regularly advertises that 96% of its
applicants are seeking "one relationship for a lifetime of loving commitment";
such a yearning is perhaps inherent in mankind. Marriage is the accepted way of publicly
recognising this commitment. However if marriage becomes merely an institution it risks
losing the very dynamic of the relationship, the "loving commitment", that was
its raison-d’etre in the first place. "Loving Commitment" implies a dynamic
ever changing and growing relationship.
A relationship, be it marriage or any other, is
constantly subject to changing demands, both from within and from outside. If the
relationship is going to fulfill the couple’s expectation of being a "loving
commitment", it needs to be capable of adaptation and change from within so that it
can respond flexibly and positively to externally generated pressures. To be able to adapt
it needs a vision of where it is headed, and to be equipped with the tools to get there.
Enrichment in marriage is the process of helping
couples discover their own vision of how they want their marriage to develop, a view of
the possibilities and potential that creates the excitement and motivation for them to
change and develop. Only with this foundation will they choose to use additional skills
and capabilities and persevere with change into new behaviour patterns. Without a positive
exciting vision, the best that is left is the concept of "maintaining" the
relationship, or even "prevention of breakdown". This becomes a process of
constantly trying to maintain the status quo in a relationship subject to external
pressures and changes, and inevitably this gradually leads to a ratchetting down of
expectations; that is to a relationship in decline.
Thus the concept of maintaining a relationship
"as it is" is meaningless; it is either positively motivated by an enticing
vision (typical of the Romantic phase of a relationship), or it is in Decline, be that
slowly or rapidly. Thus whilst many programmes seek to add skills etc to combat the
decline, it is only enrichment processes, such as those offered by Marriage Encounter,
which deal with the fundamentals of vision and beliefs that alone can create lasting
change.
It is an accepted model of married life that most
western marriages go through three main phases. These are well documented by experts in
the field (Tournier, Wright, Minirth, Newman and Hemfelt). In the first phase couples have
a sense of closeness and romantic love. Over time they become aware of the faults of their
partner; disappointed expectations and the stresses of life bring disillusionment, and a
sense of "Is this all there is?". This Disillusionment is a crucial phase in
marriage. Couples typically then settle into a safe but lonely compromise following their
own pathway, but no longer intimate or involved with each other; when pressures arise it
is easy to give up and failure of the marriage results. There is an alternative path from
disillusionment however, which requires courage to face up to the faults and inadequacies
of the partner and, recognising that love is a decision not a feeling, makes the effort to
understand and accept the other, warts and all. The Marriage Encounter weekend helps the
couple discover this path, and equips them with the motivation and tools to follow it.
Why Marriage Encounter
works
It is
possible to offer couples a vision of what their marriage might be, but unless it is one
that is rooted in their own personalities, experiences and hopes, it will not become truly
theirs - they need to own it. The Marriage Encounter movement has understood this dynamic
for the past 30 years and has created a unique experiential weekend that takes each couple
at its own pace, and with its own issues, through a discovery process that enables the
couple to formulate, in their own terms, their hopes for their relationship.
Simultaneously it teaches a communication skill that assists in the ongoing development of
the relationship.
Such a process requires that the couples have the
time, space and privacy to make their journey, and needs the guidance of leadership who
will enable them to become more vulnerable with each other. This is achieved by the
leading couples sharing very vulnerably from their personal struggles and joys. At the
heart of the weekend is an understanding that feelings, our spontaneous emotional
responses to a situation or person, are a unique reflection of who each of us is as an
individual. Husband and wife are encouraged to identify, share and accept each others
feelings as signs of their deeper selves. This they do using a technique called Dialogue
which involves a time of individual reflection and writing the feelings down. Husband and
wife then exchange their reflections and spend time exploring the feelings expressed until
they can really understand, experience and accept the feelings in their partner. The
closeness that this engenders creates an atmosphere where couples can see hope for the
future and they re-discover the specialness of their partner based in loving honesty and
openness rather than in romance, and thereby come to a point of renewed commitment based
in knowledge and understanding rather than fleeting emotion. The couples go home with a
tool of communication, Dialogue, which they are encouraged to continue to use to maintain
the closeness and intimacy they have discovered possible. The weekend is just a beginning
to a new way of living and interacting, and ongoing support is offered through the
movement’s network of couples for those who wish to be part of its ongoing work.
Experience has shown that the best process results
when a couple is removed from all the day-to-day pressures of life, and from all the
powerful anchors that ground them in what they perceive as their present reality. This
time and space, and removal from the present, can only be really achieved on a residential
programme lasting a full weekend. Whilst other formats have been tried, this structure is
proven not only in marriage work, but also in many "Vision forming" processes
used by commercial groups.
Because the Marriage Encounter weekend is
essentially experiential, and relies largely on the couple developing their own vision
through a guided process, it is largely free from immediate constraints of particular
viewpoints or doctrine. Thus whilst the programme is firmly rooted in a Judeo-Christian
belief in monogamous marriage, it is highly accessible to couples of any faith or none,
and indeed many couples who would profess themselves "non-Christian" have
derived great benefit from the programme.
Impact
The impact of
Marriage Encounter is not confined to the couples alone, but affects their families,
friends and the community in which they live. Couples who are excited about their marriage
become active voices and encouragers in promoting marriage and inspiring others. Thus the
well-founded methods developed and proved by the Marriage Encounter movement over 30 years
of international experience have not only an impact on the couples directly participating
in the programme, but also increase and strengthen the population of couples acting as
promoters of marriage
